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Rewriting Your Own Story

By Hillary Hutchinson / January 4, 2012

It’s 2012. Is it time to rewrite your own story?

People learn through the stories we tell about life, whether we are discussing someone’s success in school, a tragedy in their personal life, the moralizing of fables and sermons, the truth embedded in every myth ever told. You will most likely not remember an academic abstract of an article, but you will understand the point through the examples that are used. The exact details don’t actually matter as much as the arc of the storyline, and the lessons we take away from it.

Consider my own life: For years, I defined myself in terms of my ability to put my husband through his PhD. When he died in an auto accident after teaching only two semesters as an assistant professor, I redefined my life in terms of taking care of my two children who were 8 and 10 at the time of his death. The problem with this story line was that once they were both fledging the household, I could no longer find my purpose. I truly suffered through the dark night of the soul, before discovering that my new purpose had to do with symbiotically helping other people achieve their dreams while pursuing my own dream of a private coaching practice.

Change your story and change your life.

I am old enough now to have known many people that have suffered serious tragedies in their lives: children who died young of cancer; parents that suffer dementia; bankruptcy due to a generally failing economy and not from mismanagement of funds; the inability to find work in a beloved field and choosing underemployment over unemployment. So many stories of sorrow.

There are also the lovely stories of triumph: desperation leading to radical changes that work out in unexpectedly delightful ways. Losing all material possessions and deciding to sign on as a cook on a cruise liner to see the world; a child’s death leading to the foundation of a charity to help those with similar situations; realizing that diet is a lifestyle change, not an on again/off again affair, finally leading to sustainable weight loss; marriages on the brink of dissolution salvaged through better communication as a result of tragedy. Tragedy may shape your story, but it does not have to define it.

Even small changes in the story matter.

For instance, Dorothy [the names are fictionalized for privacy], a client of mine struggling to finish a PhD, consistently told herself that she wasn’t as smart as her classmates. That she was studying in a non-native language in a culture foreign to her did not enter into the equation. This led her to question every sentence that she wrote.

I asked her if there was anyone else in the world that knew her topic like she did, and what did they know about it? She could come up with one name only, someone who had been studying her topic for over 30 years. “What does that tell you about your knowledge of the topic?” The words spilled out of her, fairly tripping over tongue on the way out of her mouth. She was an expert on the topic. She acknowledged it. And, lo and behold, the dissertation went from chaotic and amorphous to polished and solid.

What you tell yourself about you matters.

What is the story you are telling yourself now about the life you are leading? You can use the intention (not resolution!) of redefining yourself, and telling a new story about your path, as the direction you want to take in 2012. Ask yourself: