5 ways to build confidence in yourself

Over the years, I have written a lot of posts about how to build confidence in yourself. This month, I am releasing my small book, Confidence: The Real McCoy that contains some of these writings and quite a few exercises to help with this. Why have I written so much about building confidence? Precisely because I have struggled with a lack of confidence myself, and so do many of my highly accomplished clients.

It seems easy to say, “but you always seem so sure of yourself.” That’s because I am great at “faking it till you make it” and have practiced appearing confident for so long. It sometimes even works which is why I advise it so often! But like most people who tend to overthink everything, I always have that internal critic saying stuff like, “Who do you think you’re kidding?” or “You know you can’t possibly do that.” Blast it. It’s not particularly helpful.

Weirdly, it seems academics, writers, and other high achievers suffer more self-doubt than others I know, suffering from “the imposter syndrome” and struggling with the process. That’s a topic that deserves an in-depth discussion another time. I think most of these folks are actually talking about the negative self-talk getting in the way of allowing their own ideas to shine through.

In the short run, below are five techniques I’ve learned to deal with my own insecurity. I am not saying you will never suffer another attack of self-doubt, but having some tools in your back pocket to deal with it might shorten the doubting period.

Find a way to envision this voice

“Elf” is entirely too benign a name for the creature that haunts my imagination when I sit down to write, but that is what I call him. Notice, in my case, the critic is male, unlike me. Elf is also old and gnarly, wearing rags like the house elves in Harry Potter. He’s a mean-spirited, hostile, and unhappy fiend. He encompasses all the negative authoritarian males who have criticized or hurt me over my life.

Yet I’ve discovered over time he’s just scared for me. Scared that I will get hurt by putting too much of myself out into the world. So, now instead letting all that negativity stop me, I dialogue with Elf. “I know you are trying to protect me, but right now you are getting in the way. I’ve got a job to do, so can you please [sit in the corner, go back into your cave, fly to the moon] until I am finished. I promised I will talk to you again at that time.

Write a list of all your successes

This means a minimum list of 5, and up to 101. You can go farther if the mood strikes you. I’ve recommended this exercise to a wide variety of clients, and usually, the first thing they say is, “I don’t have any successes.” Really? You’re allowed to go as far back into your childhood as you like. One of my first real achievements was learning to ride a bicycle without any adult holding on. I can still see my Dad, standing back about a block, waving to me before I even realized he had withdrawn his assistance. Whooo! There’s at least one success to remember.

Ask friends to describe you in five words when you “are at your best”

This exercise comes from a class I took with master coach Ben Dooley, and it is a truly fine idea. It’s amazing what people will tell you that you never anticipated. I think of myself as competent, organized, somewhat driven, and curious. But you know the word people most often used to describe me? “Generous.” Wow. Did not see that coming.

Practice literally embodying confidence

I’m not advocating strutting around like a peacock, but your posture projects a lot about you to the rest of the world. What I’m advocating is a relaxed, neutral way that allows your body to align naturally. Stand up straight or sit tall in your chair and you will feel better about yourself. In 2009, professor of psychology at Ohio State University, released a study showing “it turns out that our posture can also affect how we think about ourselves.” You can practice in front of a mirror to achieve a more positive stance, as long as you are kind to yourself about how you look.

Imagine a new future.

A great way to do this is to ask your “future self” what to do now. From the vantage point of 20 years hence or at the age of 80, imagine you have the world by the tail. Envisioning yourself from that perspective can free you from your own negative judgments. Let your imagination to run wild, taking the strengths you already have, and play out a life of fulfillment and accomplishment. No need to pull back and tell yourself, “That’s just not realistic.” Just focus on the experiences you want to have, not the “how to.” Our future self can offer much wisdom to our current self.

This is not to say you won’t suffer from insecurity ever again. You will. But with these techniques, you will also have a way of setting uncertainty aside, while you get on with whatever needs to be done.

If you’re looking for strategies to change your outlook and build confidence, hire a career coach. You will be amazed at what a few months of pointed self-confidence building can do in every aspect of your life.