“Your self-talk is the channel of behavior change.”
~Gino Norris, Neuro Linguistic Practitioner
I know I am not alone in this, and many, many intelligent people have to deal with it. Where it comes from is a bit of a mystery, but Byron Katie suggests that there is a list of common human beliefs, like “I don’t belong here,” and “I’m not good enough,” may have been a way historically to keep us in line socially, with whatever “tribe” we identify with, whether nuclear family, work group, city, state or nation. But they stop serving us once we become adult enough to actually examine what the negative messages are really telling us. She calls dealing with these negative stories “The Work” of a lifetime, because we have to keep doing it as we grow and change.
I am using close-up photograph of the “Sword Gate” because we all have a tendency to crucify ourselves with the “inner critic.” Manufactured by Christopher Werner and installed at the entrance to a private Charleston residence in the mid-19th century, each half of the gate has a central cross, formed by two vertical spears meeting in the middle of horizontally placed broadsword.
The negative self-talker has many names: Critic, Gremlin, Saboteur, but it doesn’t really matter what you call it as long as you know how to talk back to it in a respectful fashion that allows you to move on. It’s no fun telling yourself every day how awful you are, or listening to an internalized someone that has no idea what the true, great you is capable of doing. You would not tell your best friend or a child or someone you work with on a regular basis something like “You know you’re kidding yourself if you think you can do that.” So, stop slinging mud at yourself right now and start cleaning up your act.
Here are 5 ideas to begin dealing with this messy mind:
- Start by giving your inner critic a name. Mine is called Elf but it is not so benign as that might sound. It’s much more like a mean little goblin, somewhat akin to Dobbins from the Harry Potter series. The funnier or stupider you name it, the harder it is to take it seriously. “Fat Traffic Cop,”, “The Nag,” “Old Man Smithereens,” “Mother Hen,” all help you take the critic a little less seriously. “Here comes old Mother Hen telling me the sky is falling again. Bah, humbug.” (See Overcoming Resistance to Writing on dealing with gremlins.
- Take a good hard look at what your inner critic is saying. It doesn’t hurt to take a piece of paper, fold it in half, and on the left hand side, write down all the nasty little things you hear it say to you. It’s good to do this in your own handwriting, rather than on the computer. There is something about writing things down that seems to fire our brain neurons and connect us to our subconscious. (That’s one reason why journaling is so often recommended when we are struggling to deal with psychological wounds.) So, start with even the simplest statement, ”I never get anything done;” “I’m so disorganized;” “I can’t lose weight;” “I’ll never be able to [fill in the blank].“
- Then literally turn it around, by unfolding the paper, and re-framing the statement on the right hand side of the page. This re-framing is going to help you create some affirmations about who you are, and not what you do. It’s part of learning to be kinder and more compassionate with yourself, and that will change your life. So, instead of “I can’t get anything done, allow yourself to imagine changing the wording to something more like “I am learning how to get organized and beginning to get things done.” “I can’t lose weight” becomes “Losing weight is easy for me.” That’s what you write down as the affirmation on the right hand side of the page. Then actually remind yourself of something you did get done recently, no matter how small. Did you get milk on your way home because you were running low? That’s getting things done! Joe Dispenza, author of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself (2012), suggests whenever you imagine yourself operating out of old behaviors, literally say “change” out-loud and imagine a different outcome. Believe it or not, because you are rewiring those old neurons to stop firing together, eventually you will find that the negative beliefs begin to disperse.
- Rather than getting caught up in the notion that this is all about “positive thinking,” try calling the whole process “possibility thinking.” Is it really true that you made a complete fool of yourself at the last departmental meeting because you spilt coffee on yourself? Isn’t it possible that most of the people at the table never even noticed, or if they did, were actually sympathetic because they have done that to themselves at some point in time? This is a way of “changing the story” so you can stop haranguing yourself. What would your best friend say about it? “Oh, please, did spilling coffee ruin your career, or take away from the content of what you were saying?” In possibility thinking, you can see the answer is, “It really wasn’t the big deal my inner critic is making of it.” This helps you move on instead of dwelling on it.
- One of my very own favorite actions is to take a box, literal or imagined, and put negative or anxious thoughts into it. When a negative thought intrudes, like “I am a fool because I told the board I thought that was a stupid idea,” put the thought in the smallest box you can, and see that it is manageable. Change the self-talk to, “I didn’t use the best words possible to tell the board what I thought about that idea; next time I will be more careful in my choice of words.” Squishing it down into something small helps make it easier to manage, and changing the possible outcome makes you more confident that you will do better next time.
These are five simple things you can do to deal with any negative self-talk that threatens to overwhelm you.
Tags: confidence, positivity
