valentine_decoration_187807This month, I want to talk about self-love, self-acceptance, how they relate to building self-confidence, and give you 5 hints for practicing this. First a little context: February has long had a theme of love with St. Valentine’s Day celebrated in Canada, Mexico, the United Kingdom, France and Australia. Historically, the tradition of Valentine greetings dates back at least to the medieval period in Europe because it was thought birds started mating at that time. The writing of special notes for Valentine’s Day seems to have become popular in the 1700s.

End of the history lesson. Back to self-love. Self-love is an ongoing practice. For instance, it took me a long time to learn how to accept a compliment. For years, I deflected anything good anyone ever said about me. It was of course part of my culture growing up, that women should be humble and not take credit for anything, instead standing still in the background as a tower of strength. It was sometime after I turned 50 when I read in a business magazine that the best response to “You did a really good job on that report,” or “I really like your outfit,” was simply to say, “Thank you.” When you deflect or deny a compliment you are actually tacitly insulting the giver by devaluing it.

This is a long introduction to say, “It’s important to practice self-love.” You do this by accepting the good things about yourself, from acknowledging that there are parts of your body you actually like (in my case, my eyes which are green and have reasonably long lashes) to recognizing that you are competent to do certain things in the workplace, from authoring a report to getting along with co-workers in a positive way. This form of self-love builds your confidence, and helps you to do more, and do it better. It lets you grow as a person.

I have worked with many clients who are enormously intelligent and accomplished, but who cannot see themselves the way that other see them, pooh-poohing the notion that they are different in the ways they think about the world and how they operate in it. These are smart people who have written books published with academic presses, with editors that hold authors to a much higher standard than used by many trade publications, or in self-publishing. These folks have made a significant difference in the world through some sort of activism. Some managed to care for children or sick relatives while handling the rest of their lives well. Still others were able to celebrate the accomplishments of a relationship partner, even when feeling disappointed themselves.

I am not advocating self-aggrandizement. We have certainly seen enough of that these days from a variety of sources in today’s media saturated world. But I am advocating what has been called “radical self-love.” Radical Self-Love, the book, was written by Gala Darling (yes, that really is her name) and became an amazing best-seller. Subtitled “A Guide To Loving Yourself And Living Your Dreams,” the book’s premise is unless you fully love and appreciate yourself, you aren’t going to get very far in life, from romance to labor.

So here, finally, are the 5 hints I promised at the outset on how to practice self-love:

  1. Learn to listen to yourself and act on what you know to be true for you. For instance, you might decide not to attend an event you have no interest in, even though you know you will be disappointing people close to you. It’s about saying “no” instead of becoming resentful because you said “yes” to something you really did not want to do. Stop seeking approval or permission.
  1. Practice self-care. I talk to clients about this all the time because it truly does affect your entire life. Eating healthy foods, regular sleep, and getting enough exercise are all forms of self-love. I have to remind myself that this includes getting up from your desk from time to time if you have work that requires a lot of time in front of a screen.
  2. Accept yourself as you physically are, whether short, tall, thin, heavy, pink complected or brown. This includes learning to accept yourself for your basic personality, whether you are naturally a Type A or a Type B. Then accept that all people have good and bad qualities, including you. Acknowledging you have both is part of being human.
  3. Let yourself dream big, no matter how impractical it may seem now. Allowing yourself to make mistakes and see them as growth opportunities. I’ve always learned more from the mistakes I’ve made than when I succeeded in doing something the first time.
  4. Know you can keep working toward loving kindness and compassion for yourself and others, even when you stumble from time to time by beating yourself up for past mistakes, or harshly judging others, or blaming someone else for your own problems. Slipping up from time to time is not the same as failing.

It’s important to practice self-love to care for ourselves and take care of the others we encounter in our life. This is how we are able to put more kindness, generosity, compassion, caring, and yes, love into a world that desperately needs it. Self-love is not about braggadocio. It’s about simply being our authentic selves, seeing one another more clearly, and treating each other better every single day.

 

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